


I Want To Be Your Plot Bunny

by aroundloafofbread



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Plot bunnies are real creatures, absolutely ridiculous fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-09-28 17:37:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20429843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroundloafofbread/pseuds/aroundloafofbread
Summary: Harry Potter had more or less given up on having a plot bunny, until he suddenly gets one named Tom. It's nothing like everyone else's plot bunnies.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Wolven_Spirits](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolven_Spirits/gifts).

> For dear Wolven, this is the most ridiculous fic I'll subject you to reading XD

It was a Thursday when Harry's first plot bunny came to him. He remembered it particularly well because it was Dudley's birthday, which meant Harry had to wake even earlier than he usually did.

"Ugh." Harry said as he struggled to get out of bed. His cousin was eighteen now, and far more tolerable a person than he was last year. If not for Aunt Petunia's insistence, Harry doubted very much that they would have to celebrate it as lavishly as they did in previous years. 

And it was all because of Dudley's third plot bunny. His first two bunnies, small and nondescript as they were, simply never manifested as anything. But the third plot bunny had all the signs of a story and Dudley, then overconfident and brash, thought it would turn out well. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending how one saw it, the third bunny manifested as a gang fight that gave Dudley several broken ribs, a black eye, and a new nose and new outlook on life. 

Harry never had one – it was a point of mockery and pity for those around him – and even envy from those who suffered from their plot bunnies. Harry was certain he would never get a plot bunny if he had not gotten one by his age… until the fateful Thursday. 

As he rolled out of his bed, he felt his feet brush against something rather large, furry and warm. The sensation startled him so much that he jumped mid-roll and stubbed his toe against the bedside table instead of standing firmly on his two feet. 

“Ouch!” He whisper-shouted, wincing at the pain of his stubbed toe but not wishing to make too much noise. He limped and hopped a little in order to see what he had brushed against and stopped short at the sight of a huge, dark grey bunny. Harry gaped at the sight. Plot bunnies were supposed to be small; they were bunnies after all! But whatever he was staring at went far beyond the size of even unusual plot bunnies. 

A complete anomaly. It was half his height, sitting quietly on the floor by the end of his bed, and staring at him with intelligent red eyes. 

Harry felt completely stunned and out of his depth. Plot bunnies were mysterious enough a phenomenon. No one knew where they came from, only that they appeared to people mostly when marking a significant event of change in their lives. At any point of time within a year after the plot bunny appeared, it could turn into smoke and reappear as an item or creature of significance during which an event would unfold.

Some said it was possible to change the course of the event by treating the plot bunny with great care and attention, while others said the path it would manifest into was inevitable. Harry hoped not, for he had witnessed when plot bunnies turned out exceedingly harmful, like the one that made Mrs Figgs unable to walk again.

Yet it was also common for plot bunnies to never manifest into anything at all, as if it gave up halfway. Like Dudley’s first two for example, which had both turned into regular bunnies. Or Hermione’s second one which had turned into a cat that seemed for all intents and purposes rather ordinary.

This plot bunny though… Harry knew for sure it was going to be trouble. 

“Uh.” Harry crouched down so that he was level with its eyes. “Hi. I don’t know if I’m dreaming but… I think you might be my… my plot bunny?” He said uncertainly. Though obviously it could not reply.

The rabbit blinked, then shifted forward suddenly, pushing Harry who fell backwards with a yelp.

“Heavy…!” He groaned below its weight.

It looked at him with a rather judgmental gaze for a moment, then shook its head. Before Harry’s eyes, it began to shrink rapidly until it was small enough to fit into his palm like a round ball of fur. His mouth opened and closed but he could not form any words.

“Hmm. You’ll do.” It narrowed its eyes at him. “My name is Tom, and I have chosen you, human.” 

“Oh great Godric, it talks.” Harry gave a hysterical giggle before he fainted.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry woke up to a couple of voices above him. He groggily opened his eyes to the sight of his aunt and cousin arguing. 

“Mum, it’s fine, I ain’t goin’ to celebrate it.”

“But it’s your 18th birthday! We can still go out and do something else, Diddykins. Harry will be okay by himself here.”

Dudley shook his head and replied firmly. “Mum. He saved m’life. I need to know he’s okay now.”

“I’m okay.” Harry croaked out.

“Oh god. Harry.” Dudley leaned in closer, his eyes scanning Harry’s face. “We found you on the floor and luckily you're still breathin’.”

Harry smiled wryly. “I’m not that easy to kill.” He tried to sit up in his bed, and Dudley faltered for a bit before reaching out to help him. Harry wondered what happened. He knew he woke up, earlier than usual for Dudley’s birthday and then he –

The plot bunny!

Harry frantically turned around, wincing at the soreness in his neck. He must have been on the floor for a while. 

“Harry?” Dudley asked nervously. “What’s wrong?”

Where was it? 

And what was its name… Tom or something?

“Tom?” Harry tried. He felt a little wriggle by his side, and then the sensation of a fur against his skin as a round ball of fluff settled on his hand. He turned his hand over and shifted the bunny into his palm. Harry took the chance to pet his head and soft, upright ears. Tom squeezed his eyes shut, lifting his nose as Harry stroked his head. Harry beamed at Tom.

It was no dream, then.

“_Is that a plot bunny!?_” Aunt Petunia screeched as she suddenly noticed the small bunny in Harry’s palm.

Harry cringed, then nodded. “He’s a bit different though, he was really big. Like this big, and then he’s suddenly this small? He shrank or something. And then he told me his name is Tom.” Harry blurted out. 

The room was silent for a moment.

“Aunt Petunia? Dudley?” Harry tried.

“Uh. You were dreamin’ Harry. Plot bunnies don’t talk.” Dudley scratched his head.

Petunia folded her arms and looked at Harry with a badly disguised sneer. “They don’t change either, only until they manifest. Your plot bunny looks very small and common. There’s nothing special about it.”

“Maybe he’s manifested as this then. Just a smaller bunny.” Dudley suggested.

Harry looked at Tom, who had a distinctly unimpressed expression on his small face. “Maybe.” Harry echoed doubtfully.

“Get some sleep.” Dudley said awkwardly before leaving the room behind Petunia. 

Harry blinked at the door shut behind Dudley and then turned back to stare at Tom for a moment. The plot bunny raised his head and stared right back with his crimson eyes. 

“I was sure you talked…” Harry bit his lips. “Why aren’t you saying anything now?”

Tom continued to stay silent. 

Harry frowned, thinking hard before slowly shifting off the bed and standing up gingerly. He seemed to be alright for now, aside from the ache in his neck.

He wouldn’t get answers resting all day, which meant going to the one person who could help him. He pulled out his phone and sent a quick text out. Within a minute, his phone rang, and he picked it up hurriedly. 

“_Harry!_” a voice screamed from the other end, and Harry shifted the phone away, grimacing. “Is it really true!?”

“I wouldn’t joke about it, ‘Mione.” Harry replied. 

“I’m coming over right now!” Hermione shouted. There was a beat of silence before she spoke again. “… wait. Is your Aunt there?”

“Nobody’s home. Also, can you get Ron over? Hedwig’s gone off hunting and I obviously don’t have floo call here.”

“Oh umm. Yea er. Actually. Ron’s here.” Hermione squeaked. “I’ll… we’ll be there in a moment!”

Harry rolled his eyes as he put down the phone. They acted as if he didn’t already know they were dating. Harry opened his door and kept it ajar before heading down the stairs with Tom on his shoulder. The kitchen was clean and spotless the way he left it last night, except for a frying pan with a burnt egg on it, as if someone tried to make breakfast.

Probably Dudley.

“Well, it’s lunch now but let’s see if I can whip something up for us.” Harry said to Tom, who remained quiet as he observed the house from where he sat on Harry's shoulder. His soft fur brushed against Harry’s neck.

“I don’t even know what you eat… I thought plot bunnies ate carrots and vegetables,” Harry chatted on as he began to fry the noodles on another pan. “But Dudley’s third bunny ate raw meat which, is just gross really. And Ron’s plot bunny ate tree bark. So, at this point I really don’t know.”

Harry threw in more vegetables into pan, the sizzling sound familiar to his ears. “You could be helpful and tell me what you like.”

“Matsutake mushrooms.” Came a bored voice.

Harry very nearly dropped the spatula. “Oh Merlin's bunny!” He exclaimed. "You are talking again!"

“Yes,” Tom said, sounding even more bored, “don’t faint again.”

“I… I’m not going to faint again.” Harry spluttered. “That was just... never mind. Also… what mushrooms did you say?”

“Matsutake.” Tom raised his paw to press against Harry’s cheek. The gesture somehow came across in a very condescending manner. His red eyes flashed with what Harry suspected might be disdain.

“That’s a… very specific request. Can I find it at the supermarket? Tesco? Sainsbury’s?”

Tom closed his eyes. “Plebeian.” He said, before hopping off from Harry’s shoulder, soaring out of the kitchen and landing lightly on the couch in the living room. “Come fetch me when you’re done cooking.” The plot bunny called out.

Harry’s jaw dropped. What a rude…! He needed Hermione _now_. He had absolutely no idea what to do with… whatever Tom was. Because he wasn’t really a plot bunny, was he? Plot bunnies couldn’t do that… right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If he doesn't have money, he can't buy me matsutake mushrooms..." Tom pondered from where he sat on the couch.


End file.
